Well I Never
Twins
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I started jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down. When she told me that she was pregnant, I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'.
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Just like a blonde
Bubba and Ray (Arkansas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
Jane walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.
Jane took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!
FOOTIE
Top 20 daft quotes made by footballers, managers and commentators
20. In terms of the Richter Sale, this defeat was a force eight gale. JOHN LYALL
19. The minute’s silence was immaculate, I have never heard a minute’s silence like that. GLENN HODDLE
18. Last week’s match was a real game of cat and dog. JOHN ALDRIDGE
17. I like to think it’s a case of crossing the i’s and dotting the t’s. DAVE BASSETT
16. An inch or two either side of the post, and that would have been a goal. DAVE BEASANT
15. In comparison, there’s no comparison. RON GREENWOOD
14. I don’t think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona. KEVIN KEEGAN
13. The beauty of cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath. TERRY BUTCHER
12. I would have to be deaf not to read the allegations. BOBBY DOWNES
11. I was inbred into the game by my father. DAVID PLEAT
10. Today’s top players only want to play in London or for Manchester United. That’s what happened when I tried to sign Alan Shearer and he went to Blackburn. GRAEME SOUNESS
9. He (Souness) has gone behind my back right in front of my face. CRAIG BELLAMY
8. What I said at half-time would be unprintable on the radio. GERRY FRANCIS
7. Michael Owen is a goalscorer – not a natural born one, not yet, that takes time. GLENN HODDLE
6. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? STUART HALL
5. I’m a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win. HOWARD WILKINSON
4. I think this could be our best victory over Germany since the war. JOHN MOTSON
3. I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona. MARK DRAPER
2. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. STUART PEARCE
1. No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties. That’s my only regret. But no, no regrets. MICK McCARTHY
